Image released by Tiny Engines For promotional use
During the summer, a friend of mine had recommended that I listen to a band called Awakebutstilinbed. She told me her personal favorite song had been off an album under the name “What people call low self-esteem is really just seeing yourself the way that other people see you.” Initially I wasn’t expecting anything, as I just thought it would be another midwest emo/emo band kind of thing. I’m glad I gave it a listen and didn’t brush off her recommendation because as of right now, the album is one of my favorites.
What people call low self-esteem is really just seeing yourself the way that other people see you was released on Jan. 3, 2018 and was the debut album for Awakebutstillinbed. The album has nine songs and is about 38 minutes long. The band itself is actually a bit of a solo project for the group’s songwriter, vocalist, and guitarist, Shannon Taylor. The band does have a decent amount of listeners being about 15 thousand according to Spotify. Some of their most popular songs are actually from the album, ranging from about 100,000 to 1million streams on Spotify as of right now.
The songs themselves carry a common theme throughout being, the vulnerability that you experience in the midst of depression. You would think from this description that the album is one of which you could cry to in the shower, I mean you definitely could, but to me hearing someone passionately sing and scream about the way they truly feel is so captivating. You can hear the desperation of wanting to release the pent up emotion that’s felt through not only vocals but lyricism as well, which is one of the albums best features.
Something that Taylor is able to capture perfectly is the emotional turmoil and mindset of someone struggling with depression. The lyrics are put together perfectly to fully realize the weakness, dejection, and an overall acceptance of these feelings.
Song Synopsises-
The first song titled “Opener” has a notable Hotlier influence, specifically the song “An Introduction to the Album.” It starts off with a quiet riff along with Taylor softly singing, practically whispering, as she describes how shame and misery has caused her to isolate herself from others. Being trapped in this depressive state has made her feel like she’s a burden. Going through this alone prompts her to believe that she is unable to get better and the only way to overcome these feelings is to become someone else entirely.
The second song, “Life”, is upbeat and starts with a catchy tempo. To match, Taylor screams in desperation to truly be at peace. She copes by dissociating which causes her to deem the world moving on without her. This furthers her deeper into isolation. Those who she has confided in have told her (this is insinuated) that “things will get better”. When she finds this to not be true for her, her trust is shattered and can only think to blame herself for the lack of improvement in her life.
The third song, “Safe”, entails the reasons why the avoidance of accountability and shiftance of blame is a defense mechanism to protect both parties involved in a situation which is assumed to be either abusive or toxic at least. When pride is swallowed and feelings are acknowledged, choices have been made to finally make things better for both people involved. Finally feeling as though they’re able to heal.
In the fourth song, “Stumble”, Taylor describes the exhaustion and overall tedious lifestyle because of her depression. She begins to resent a lover whom she still looks forward to seeing, for routine sake maybe. Her relationship with him begins to fall apart, which both had presumed to fail from the beginning. While screaming her heart out she talks about wanting someone to just make her finally feel at peace. She’s tired of pouring so much into other people just for it not to be reciprocated.
The fifth song, “Fathers”, talks about Taylor portraying a false version of herself because of her faults. She questions why even try to improve when she feels it was always meant to be this way. Like her depression is happening for a reason and tries to escape these feelings by ignoring them.
The sixth song, “Interlude”, is an instrumental. The riff is catchy and upbeat, it gradually builds up and sounds more, comforting in a sense, as the song goes on.
The seventh song, “Saved”, tells the story of a friend that goes off into the army. It begins with the last memory Taylor has before it’s soon revealed that he’s passed away. When this is revealed there’s a pause with just Taylor’s voice and a guitar playing to emphasize the shock it must’ve been to hear that a close friend has lost their life. The song starts to pick up again as she wishes she could’ve saved him. She feels helpless not being able to do anything about it.
The eighth song, “Floor”, is about the tormenting relationship between Taylor and her best friend. She doesn’t want to sever this bond because she ties her self worth to this person. Her best friend continues to take advantage of her. Taylor still wants to make their relationship work though they have essentially ruined her life. Taylor feels like it’s her own fault and the pain from the aftermath of realizing this abuse is something she says is ‘nothing she can’t bear’.
The last song, “Closer”, is about how when days start to feel different for Taylor she ends up realizing that they are really the same. Whenever she does feel like her life is finally changing for the better, negative thoughts and memories invade her mind, making it hard for her to embrace the change. The change itself is neither good nor bad and she explains that it’s just a variation of the same life she’s already been living. This puts her in a constant state of exhaustion and battle with herself.
Final Thoughts
This album is personally one of my favorites right now and I honestly think it’s one of the better albums from the genre. It’s known among listeners of the genre but even still, I think it’s overlooked. So, I’d like to recommend it to anyone who’s willing to give it a try. The sound the album has is just so easy to listen to over and over again. Though I discovered it 7 years too late, I would love for this album to have more fans and just an overall appreciation for the band’s other music as well.
Sources;
Interview with Shannon Taylor
General Info.